1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Monday joke thread.

Discussion in 'Cardiff City Forum' started by Nugent, 29 Oct 2018.

  1. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    The mrs was stressing this morning about what costume to wear for Halloween. Apparently telling her to pull her pissflaps over her head and go as a Sugar Puff, wasn't helpful.
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
    • Controversial Controversial x 1
  2. Mad Al

    Mad Al Ballon d'Or Winner
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❶ 1 YEAR ❶ 🗐🗐 20 PAGER 🗐🗐 🍺 BEER CLUB 🍺

    Joined:
    20 Jul 2018
    Messages:
    13,665
    Likes Received:
    4,082
    Ratings:
    +37,917 / 297 / -35
    My local pub has announced £100 prize for the best Halloween outfit. My wife won it last year. She wasn't too happy though. She'd only come to pick me up!
     
    • Funny Funny x 13
  3. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    I’m blind and in 1983 Jim fixed it for me to visit a hot dog factory. I recently found out the factory closed down in 1981
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
    • Meh Meh x 1
  4. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    I hired a self drive van once. Useless fucking thing is still on my driveway.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
    • Meh Meh x 1
  5. TroggBlue

    TroggBlue One Of Colonel’s Multis
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❶ 1 YEAR ❶ 🗐 10 PAGER 🗐

    Joined:
    2 Apr 2018
    Messages:
    3,651
    Likes Received:
    590
    Ratings:
    +4,370 / 174 / -34
    FE785DDE-D4CA-4E9B-BAB8-0185035025D2.jpeg
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to view full quote
  6. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    Instead of Geldof and Co singing "Do They Know It's Christmas?" Why doesn't he buy them an advent calendar? That way they WILL know when it's Christmas and will also have a tasty treat to eat every day.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  7. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    You know when you see that poor kid on the Water Aid advert who has to walk 10 miles barefoot just to get a jug of dirty water? Why doesn't he just move nearer the well? He lives in a mud hut, it's not like he needs to get an estate agent involved.
     
    • Funny Funny x 7
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. Eat Y'self Fitter

    Eat Y'self Fitter ⭐ Forum President ⭐
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ⚽ MODERATOR ⚽ ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ ☘☘ 100 PAGER ☘☘ PICKEM 17/18 - 1st Place

    Joined:
    12 Sep 2017
    Messages:
    8,674
    Likes Received:
    1,099
    Ratings:
    +13,633 / 533 / -69
    When do the jokes start?
     
    • Funny x 14
    • WRENCH OF SHIT x 2
    • Absolutely Spot On x 1
    • Agree x 1
    • Winner x 1
  9. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    When I was a lad we used to play Knockknock Ginger. It's where you knocked on someones door and ran away before they answered it. Now it's called Parcelforce.
     
    • Funny Funny x 10
  10. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    I took the shell off my pet snail to make it go faster but it just made him more sluggish
     
    • Funny Funny x 8
  11. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    Four worms are placed in tubes
    1st in beer
    2nd in wine
    3rd in whiskey
    4th in mineral water
    Next day the teacher shows the results
    1st worm dead
    2nd worm dead
    3rd worm dead
    The 4th worm in mineral water survived
    The teacher asks the class what do we learn from this experience?
    A child responds:
    Whoever drinks beer,wine and whiskey, does not have worms
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    My dad was a pilot for over 30 years, and died peacefully in his sleep.

    Unlike the 100 or so passengers on his plane.
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    • Controversial Controversial x 1
  13. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    My mate Dave starred in porn movies back in the day. When he died we scattered his ashes over his wifes face. Its what he would have wanted”.
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  14. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    “Knock-knock”———“whos there”———“grandad”.........”fuckinell, stop the cremation”.
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  15. Nugent

    Nugent Let's get brexit done
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ PICKEM 17/18 - 2nd Place 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁 "Most Normal Person"

    Joined:
    28 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    11,927
    Likes Received:
    1,687
    Ratings:
    +16,500 / 2,300 / -769
    Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum.
    My deaf mates Pin number
     
    • Funny Funny x 4
  16. Joecity

    Joecity Doesn't go into details
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 PICKEM World Cup 1st ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁

    Joined:
    11 Nov 2017
    Messages:
    17,891
    Likes Received:
    3,395
    Ratings:
    +31,315 / 476 / -91
    A guy says to his wife

    " 2 choices, either let me fuck you or come fishing with me"

    Jesus she thinks that not much of a choice, I don't want that fat bastard on me and I hate fishing. I know I'll quickly suck him off. Be over quicker and I can get back to the Online Bingo.

    "I know" she says "how about I give you a blow job instead"

    "Suppose so" the husband says unzipping his fly

    "Urggh your knob tastes like shit" she says

    "Yeah, the dog didn't want to go fishing either" He says.
     
    • Funny Funny x 10
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to view full quote
  17. Eat Y'self Fitter

    Eat Y'self Fitter ⭐ Forum President ⭐
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ⚽ MODERATOR ⚽ ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ ☘☘ 100 PAGER ☘☘ PICKEM 17/18 - 1st Place

    Joined:
    12 Sep 2017
    Messages:
    8,674
    Likes Received:
    1,099
    Ratings:
    +13,633 / 533 / -69
    I can't wait for the Tuesday joke thread.
     
    • Funny Funny x 8
  18. Spearsy

    Spearsy Centre circle ref
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 ❶ 1 YEAR ❶

    Joined:
    22 Feb 2018
    Messages:
    181
    Likes Received:
    77
    Ratings:
    +213 / 11 / -1
    My wife was trying on clothes today and she asked, "Does this dress make me look fat ?"

    "No," I replied, "It's all those tubs if ice cream that did that, love”
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
  19. Joecity

    Joecity Doesn't go into details
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 PICKEM World Cup 1st ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ 🏁🏁🏁 50 PAGER 🏁🏁🏁

    Joined:
    11 Nov 2017
    Messages:
    17,891
    Likes Received:
    3,395
    Ratings:
    +31,315 / 476 / -91
    A wife asked her husband for money for a boob job.

    "how much?" he says

    "£3000" she says

    "3 fucking grand" he says "I'm not paying that. Just rub some toilet paper on them every day love"

    "How will that make my boobs bigger:" she asks

    "I dunno but it worked for your arse" he said
     
    • Funny Funny x 6
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to view full quote
  20. Arfur Ap Llewellyn Europe

    Arfur Ap Llewellyn Europe Ballon d'Or Winner
    🏆 GOLD MEMBER 🏆 👥 GTAM WINNER 👥 📞 Cardiff City Master 📞 ❷ 2 YEARS ❷ 🗐 10 PAGER 🗐

    Joined:
    20 Aug 2017
    Messages:
    6,578
    Likes Received:
    1,815
    Ratings:
    +9,871 / 235 / -60
    My wife phoned me just now and said,
    'I've got water in the carburetor,
    I said 'Where's the car'
    She said 'In the river'
     
    • Funny Funny x 5
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to view full quote