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Things that confirm you're British

Discussion in 'Cardiff City Forum' started by Steve R, 14 Mar 2019.

  1. Steve R

    Steve R Ballon d'Or Winner

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    • Worrying you’ve accidentally packed 3 kilos of cocaine and a dead goat as you stroll through “Nothing to declare”
    • Being unable to stand and leave without first saying “right”
    • Not hearing someone for the third time, so just laughing and hoping for the best
    • Saying “anywhere here’s fine” when the taxi’s directly outside your front door
    • Being sure to start touching your bag 15 minutes before your station, so the person in the aisle seat is fully prepared for your exit
    • Repeatedly pressing the door button on the train before it’s illuminated, to assure your fellow commuters you have the situation in hand
    • Having someone sit next to you on the train, meaning you’ll have to eat your crisps at home
    • The huge sense of relief after your perfectly valid train ticket is accepted by the inspector
    • The horror of someone you only half know saying: “Oh I’m getting that train too”
    • “Sorry, is anyone sitting here?” – Translation: Unless this is a person who looks remarkably like a bag, I suggest you move it
    • Loudly tapping your fingers at the cashpoint, to assure the queue that you’ve asked for money and the wait is out of your hands
    • Looking away so violently as someone nearby enters their PIN that you accidentally dislocate your neck
    • Waiting for permission to leave after paying for something with the exact change
    • Saying hello to a friend in the supermarket, then creeping around like a burglar to avoid seeing them again
    • Watching with quiet sorrow as you receive a different haircut to the one you requested
    • Being unable to pay for something with the exact change without saying “I think that’s right”
    • Overtaking someone on foot and having to keep up the uncomfortably fast pace until safely over the horizon
    • Being unable to turn and walk in the opposite direction without first taking out your phone and frowning at it
    • Deeming it necessary to do a little jog over zebra crossings, while throwing in an apologetic mini wave
    • Punishing people who don’t say thank you by saying “you’re welcome” as quietly as possible
    • The overwhelming sorrow of finding a cup of tea you forgot about
    • Turning down a cup of tea for no reason and instantly knowing you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake
    • Suddenly remembering your tea and necking it like a massive, lukewarm shot
    • Realising you’ve got about fifty grand’s worth of plastic bags under your kitchen sink
    • “You’ll have to excuse the mess” – Translation: I’ve spent seven hours tidying in preparation for your visit
    • Indicating that you want the last roast potato by trying to force everyone else to take it
    • “I’m off to bed” – Translation: “I’m off to stare at my phone in another part of the house”
    • Mishearing somebody’s name on the second time of asking, meaning you must now avoid them forever
    • Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever
    • Running out of ways to say thanks when a succession of doors are held for you, having already deployed ‘cheers’, ‘ta’ and ‘nice one’
    • Changing from ‘kind regards’ to just ‘regards’, to indicate that you’re rapidly reaching the end of your tether
    • Staring at your phone in silent horror until the unknown number stops ringing
    • Hearing a recording of your own voice and deciding it’s perhaps best never to speak again
    • The relief when someone doesn’t answer their phone within three rings and you can hang up
    • Filming an entire fireworks display on your phone, knowing full well you’ll never, ever watch it again”
     
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  2. bluethrough

    bluethrough Ballon d'Or Winner

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    Making lists
     
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  3. Gonzo

    Gonzo Wales Regular

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    Looking at your watch and muttering with exaggerated frustration also works well in this scenario.
     
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  4. Charlie

    Charlie Ballon d'Or Winner

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    Leaving it too late to correct someone, meaning you must live with your new name forever

    In a old job a customer misheard my name on the first day there. As it was my first day I never corrected him.
    Four years, four fucking years he got my name wrong. I was practically hiding from him some days.
    So fucking British.
     
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  5. bluethrough

    bluethrough Ballon d'Or Winner

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    Alright Dave
     
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  6. Charlie

    Charlie Ballon d'Or Winner

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    That's the thing.
    He thought my name was Dave...
    The office thought it was hilarious because of Fools and Horses.
    Beginning to think you were that customer.
     
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  7. Ainsley Harriott

    Ainsley Harriott Give your meat a good ol' rub
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    [​IMG]
     
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  8. lardy

    lardy pelanty taker
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    There's a boy in my son's class called Dave. It's not short for David, his birth certificate actually says Dave.
     
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  9. Mad Al

    Mad Al Ballon d'Or Winner
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    I used to know a bloke who hated to stop and talk in the street with anyone, he told me if he saw someone familiar approaching he would start to run towards them and as he got near he would shout "can't stop, my bus is coming".
     
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  10. Steve R

    Steve R Ballon d'Or Winner

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    Even if you are, sometimes you just dont know if the other person's up for a 'stop & chat' or just a 'alright mate?' In those cases you can pretend you're in a hurry. It's a good move.
     
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  11. Charlie

    Charlie Ballon d'Or Winner

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    My boys name is Benjamin, always shortened to Ben.
    He used to tell people him middle name was Jamin..
    Pissed myself when his mates dad told me that. Still take the piss out of him now for it.:hehe:
     
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  12. lardy

    lardy pelanty taker
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  13. Crowbar Johnny

    Crowbar Johnny Wales Regular
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    Burka’s :coat:
     
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  14. Nid Dave

    Nid Dave Ballon d'Or Winner
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    A natural sense of superiority second only to Zionism, looking down on countries we've been to (as a nation) as spent whores.
     
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  15. Colin Wanker

    Colin Wanker Ballon d'Or Winner

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    Sitting on the beach when its freezing cold with a windbreak around granny and everyone else is in the pub or gone home.:nqat:
     
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  16. Nid Dave

    Nid Dave Ballon d'Or Winner
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    Assuming our wealth (as a nation) is anything but pillage and piracy
     
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  17. Nid Dave

    Nid Dave Ballon d'Or Winner
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    Thinking our opinion has any value in the rest of the world and wasting money on big military targets mistaking other nation's laughter as trembling in fear.
     
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  18. lardy

    lardy pelanty taker
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    It's just a bit of fun, nid dave
     
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  19. Nid Dave

    Nid Dave Ballon d'Or Winner
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    Yeah...….. so I'm having a bit of fun. It could be better but I'm subject to massive censorship.
     
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  20. Colonel Cardiffi

    Colonel Cardiffi C'mon CITY!
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    It's either that or allow you to fill every thread with stills from the Twilight movie series.
     
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